Man-Hater To Man-Celebrator: What I Learned From Being Solicited For Sexual Entertainment From My Friend's Ex-Husband
I come from a long line of man-haters.
Maneaters. My mother, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers. Generations of women who have tolerated violence and cruelty from the hands of their husbands, uncles, brothers. Men and their misdoings keep a slow fire rolling in the back of every mind and the soul of every maneater woman. This conditioning paints the lens the maneater views life: a slow braise of general undertones and undermining—subtle forms of belittling, disrespecting and devaluing husbands, fathers, and various men. (Think about how every husband and father cast on TV up until the last few years has been portrayed as lazy, incompetent and stupid.)
I’m the heiress of generations of pent of anger, rage, and mistrust of men. Here’s a snapshot of life as a reformed man-hater, and what an shocking DM taught me. (Photo credit: Julian Humphries)
Man-Hater To Man-Celebrator: What I Learned From Being Solicited For Sexual Entertainment From My Friend's Ex-Husband
How To Spot A Classic Man-Eater
Classic Maneater women have some key physical indicators. Pursed lips with vertical cracks indicative of years of keeping her mouth shut, even when she didn't want to. Years of holding in unspoken rage; bitterness brewing like a molten hot core at the center of her being. Her body language is often intrinsically defensive. Shoulders rolled in. Heart caved in slightly. Pectoral muscles shortened. Slouching upper body. Chronic tension in her jaw. A chronic preparedness for bracing a proverbial or literal blow to the face, or internal organs.
The Difference Between My Mother’s Baby Boomer Generation And My Millennial Generation
The difference between my Classic Maneater foremothers, (the babyboomers, Gen Xers, and Xennials,) and my Millennial generation was that we were taught it's "cool" to go against the grain. "You can do it! You can go it alone! You've got what it takes!" Spice Girls were my first idols, the motto? "Girl Power!" Maybe it was frilly advocacy at first, but look where it got us.
Man-Eaters Greatest Hits
When sh*t hits the fan in society at large, it's common to hear Manhaters spewing the classics:
"There is evil in the hearts of men, Shelby.”
“Men are malicious, and they'll take whatever they can get away with.”
“Men are evil. You can’t trust them."
…Spoken like a true powerless person, stunted of their power, denying their own voice, and enduring years of fear, pain, bullshit, and trauma.
Man-Eaters Love Boys, But Hate Men
I think of the Classic man-haters I know and how they must frame the world. My mom (love her, aaaannnnd she's got those BabyBoomer Manhater experiences) loves adopting young men and being a mother figure to them in the church. Encouraging them, saying all the things (perhaps) their mothers never told them. But then there's this gap where somewhere along the way when they become a "grown man" they get somehow, or another get grouped into a garbage can labeled, "Stupid grown asshole. Don't trust."
“Boys Will Be Boys”
In the Judeo-Christian constructs of church environments I grew up in, and that I see reflected in society -- I see a lot of undertones of this thinking. "Boys will be boys..." Is the saying. I recently heard a teaching explaining this is society's way of saying, "Boys will be boys - men can go without repercussions because they're forever Peter Pan Lost Boys. Forever little boys..."
"Boys will be boys" is the scapegoat of the whole patriarchal construct.
Enter The New Generation: The Reformed Man-Eaters
You know what the crazy thing is about this whole construct?
I don't want to be a man-eater. Coming out the gates, I was on the same man-hater path my mother and father exhibited to me. I’ve picked several romantic partners to give myself the opportunity to step into this lineage of man-hater passive victim-oriented powerless role. I played the part for several years. But the thing is?
I love men. I'm crazy about 'em.
I don’t want to end up an embittered little lady man-hater, and continue this lineage of silence, enabling, and pent up rage. I hear these storylines, these wounds my own mom speaks from, and I evaluate my own experiences being in the room in the last 5 years where there’s been bouts of domestic violence and alcoholism and male violence, and I see how my mom enables this behavior.
I see the way she goes silent and steps into the corner with tears streaming down her face as her own grown son and husband go at it. I see the cop out of silence and “praying about it” looking for the “powers that be” to make a change, rather than taking action, speaking up, creating an intervention. Placing expectation on God (another man), the “man”, rather than acting in the face her own fear is enabling this ongoing cycle of hurt that’s ran through our family for generations.
Now, I recognize that’s a massive statement I just said. And I have compassion that this is very much a part of generational norms. My mom’s a baby-boomer. She came from the era of it wasn’t safe and women weren’t as socially accepted to step out and “go it alone!” She wasn’t told, “You can do anything! Girl power!” And I acknowledge this. I choose to see my mom and my home environment through this lens of compassion (as best I can) because I do believe we all are doing the best we know how to do. So who do I want to be in the face of these realities?
I love freakin’ men. I'm crazy about 'em. I think they’re the damn cat’s meow. I love how their brains are different from ours. I love how guys have this totally different set of tendencies and urges. I think it’s a never-ending source of joy and fascination. I’m inspired by how guys process the world, and what drives them. I don't believe there's "evil" in the hearts of men, I think those are symptoms of a societal structure that's terribly broken. And I've seen beautiful solutions from the men I'm blessed with in my life currently.
So I get this direct message on Instagram from one of my dear friends ex-husbands…
I recently had a dear friend of mine's ex-husband (who was one of our couple friends back in the day) reach out to me; we'll call him Ron. Ron's born into a great deal of wealth, has a lot of power and influence in his Southern community. A classic good ole' boy with a hint of dandy. He's held various political and judicial leadership positions in his community. I have had great conversations with him back in the day around philosophy and the judicial systems; I learned a lot from him and felt listened to in these conversations. I've identified with him as an amicable old friend.
Speed up: two years after their divorce. Coming up on his one-year anniversary with his new Southern belle of a bride, post-divorce from my friend. I post a sassy video promotion for one of my workout classes coming up encouraging sign-ups for the next morning; I use the term, "Come let your Tiger out with me!"
"This new version of Shelby looks like a lot of fun...Hey, I have an idea; what's your Snapchat name?"
He slides into my DMs and starts saying how "This new version of Shelby looks like a lot of fun... Like a lot of fun...Hey, I have an idea; what's your Snapchat name?" And starts trolling for some kind of webcam hush-hush arrangement.
Meanwhile, I'm posting content around how I was sexualized, abused, and objectified by men in my early twenties and how I'm here to support women reclaim their sexuality and beauty beyond being a cog in the male patriarchy.
The Art Of Working With The Tension
Beyond being taken aback and appalled, I studied with my mentor Jessica Rueger about the art of creative tension. Tension seeks resolution. When I can steward the discomfort of creative tension -- magic can happen. If I sit with the discomfort (rather than immediately call up his ex-wife to talk shit to make myself feel better), I can use this circumstance to be of service and consciously create something great with this energy.
So sitting in the discomfort of a good friend's ex-husband attempt to solicit sexual entertainment from me, and what was I going to do? What did I want to do?
SHAME HIM! Put Him In His Place!
I shared this with a select confidant, and the response I got was, "HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE! CALL HIM OUT! HE'S PUSSY-GRABBING! THIS IS THE EXACT SHIT THAT'S WRONG WITH OUR SOCIETY RIGHT THERE!! RIP HIM A NEW ONE!!"...But the thing is, I know this guy. I know him on a level he probably didn't even recognize.
The Best Girlfriend Code
I was his ex-wife's confidant for years. I know alllll the nitty-gritty details about their struggles and challenges - in life, in the bedroom, I KNOW him. I'd get classified best-bad-bitch-girlfriend reports post-counseling session, which, as all girls in the best-girlfriend-code know, this translates as I know ALL THE JUICY DETAILS.
And honestly? I care about him as a person.
If I just throw him into a bucket and label him a "pussy grabber" and spew off my man-hater jargon and "speak up" and shame him, that's too easy. That's basic.
From an emotional intelligence perspective, my question was, "What is the best thing I can say to steward the rapport and influence I have with him?"
To throw shame and point the finger at him would immediately trigger an abrupt defensive wall on his part. Do you hear anything anyone says immediately after they yell, "SHAME ON YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!?" ...Right. He wouldn't hear anything I'd have to say. And just like I didn't want to throw him into a bucket with stereotypes, I didn't care to get grouped with all the granola-eating angry liberal "disillusioned" bitches touting BS from their IG Feeds, either.
Let's Get Into His Head For A Second + Psychoanalyze The “Pussy Grabber” Trap
What's the thing behind that sexual-solicitation ask of his? He's looking for some kind of sexual thrill.
He's in shadow with his wants. I don't know what his arrangement is with his wife, but this is a classic male-patriarchy set up: One of the many men who fall into the trap of believing the lie that there's only two kinds of women in this world (as Morgan Day Cecil explains it)-- Mary The Virgin, or Mary The Whore.
There’s Only 2 Kinds of Women: Mary The Virgin, Or Mary The Whore
Mary The Virgin
You pick a goodie-two-shoes, quiet, soft-spoken, submissive, God-fearing woman who agrees with the typical gender roles (cook, clean, accommodate, entertain, host, raise children, nurture) - you marry the non-threatening, muted-colored, easily-influenced and controlled Mary the Virgin who "tolerates" having sex for the sake of bearing you children. Then, you get your real highs and thrills from looking outside of your marriage for your adventurous pursuits.
Mary The WHORE
The women that are "fuckin' crazy, man!", "wild,” down for ANYTHING, sexually adventurous and empowered, unapologetic, generally scare-the-shit-out-of-white-collared-stale-men if these specimens were restricted to the same domestic constructs he puts his Mary The Virgin wife in on the daily.
Mary The Whore is wild, untamed, crazy, unpredictable, fierce feminine; she gives a man the thrill he's “longing” for.
He seeks his Mary The Whore outside of the marriage-- via:
strip clubs,
cam girls
Pornhub
his young and "dumb" perky receptionist
the server at the Sportsbar
prostitutes
sex workers
any of those one-off women that pose simply too much risk for steady, every day household use.
The Greatest Disservice And Lie About Mary The Virgin And Mary The Whore?
The greatest disservice to all parties involved here is that these two female archetypes are mutually exclusive and cannot exist in the same person, or that harmony can’t be achieved between an empowered man and an empowered woman coming together. (Believe me, there's the man equivalent, too -- us ladies are not off the hook here, either with our "good guy" versus "bad boy" selections…)
Why I Feel Sadness For Ron
Considering Ron's world and getting out of my own ego and impulse reactions, I see how sad this scenario is. Here's a guy who just notched his first year of marriage in a new, fresh relationship with someone whom I'm sure is nothing less than a beautiful, bright, well-educated woman with a heart of gold.
Yet, he's found himself in a position and headspace that's so boring, so complacent, that he risks reaching out to his ex-wife of many years' best friends to solicit sexual entertainment.
What a MOVE!
Yet, this makes me sad.
The “Ron’s of the world” are men who don’t believe they're worth developing; they don’t believe they’re capable of cultivating real adventure and being the men they wish they could be.
I mean, you want a thrill? Try being emotionally vulnerable and honest and face your biggest fears with your spouse and try saying, "Hey honey, I’m afraid that if I pursue you romantically or ask for what I really want, that you will reject me and withdraw love from me." THAT'LL GET THE BLOOD FLOWING!!
Instead, this great man full of potential chooses to goes lurking in the land of 2-inches by 3-inch screens and mini video clips as a poor substitution for fulfilling deep intimacy in his real life.
“The “Ron’s of the world” are men who don’t believe they’re worth developing; they don’t believe they’re capable of cultivating real adventure and being the men they wish they could be.”
I see a man who doesn't see how valuable he is.
Who doesn't see how powerful and capable he is. Not because of his silly family money or status in the community, but because he’s intrinsically worthy of love, just as he is. I see a man who became defeated somewhere along the line.
A man who made an agreement a long time ago with a story that he's not worth having his world truly rocked by a woman that knocks his socks off, so he settles for "manageable."
I see a man who's settled for avoiding what he doesn't want to experience versus stepping in TOWARDS his fear to pursue a life filled with real love and real fire.
I didn't spew a pussy-grabber monologue all over this man.
That doesn't heal the world or solve anything. I can already sense some of the hair starting to raise on some of my feminist besties necks and their debate points forming after reading that sentence. But let me say it again— Calling men “Pussy grabbers” is a catalyst for indignation and that perpetuates and burrows our society deeper and deeper into greater cycles of systemic perversion.
Men operating in their shadow and dysfunction, and abiding by the Mary-The-Virgin and Mary-The-Whore patriarchal confines will never rise to their greatness through being shamed and ridiculed.
They already believe they're a "bad little boy.”
They already believe they're not worthy of being embraced, being secretly confined by a masculinity scarred by shame, numbing out through the vice of their choice (strip clubs, porn, smoking, alcohol, power and authority, running for office, belittling those around him…)
“Share this with your wife! Seriously!”
"Here's the link about the practice I'm teaching women— totally feel free to share this with your wife— it's been a really cool thing to support couples and relationships in tapping into that prowess and expression! My goal is to talk with women around embracing their bodies and celebrating that power in their life. Share it with her!!!" That was how I chose to respond.
I wanted to bring attention to that beautiful, sacred woman he has right in front of him.
To offer the possibility that he already has a Goddess right in from of him at home that is more than capable of celebrating that excitement and sexual thrill he's looking for.
Who knows if he’ll keep soliciting sexual favors from women…
Who knows what decision he'll make. Maybe he told his wife over dinner about an old friend offering some great "workout" classes online. Maybe he scoffed and wrote me off with those granola-eating entitled, disillusioned, dumb women in Lululemon shaking their ass online for free. Who knows if he'll ever change. But I know who I want to be.
Regardless…I am a Man-Celebrator.
I have been assaulted, abused, objectified, and had my share of wrong-doings by men throughout my life. But I choose to let these experiences support me in choosing proactively who I want to be in this lifetime, and what I want to bring into this world.
I am a beautiful, unapologetic force-to-be-reckoned-with woman who is an advocate and champion for thriving relationships and marriages—someone who supports women and men in building the life of their dreams. I am a man-celebrator. I'm a man-nurturer. I believe in the strength and ability of men to rise up for themselves. I don't have to play down, censor, or edit parts of me when (not if) men and women have reactions and project their conditioning on me. I can hold space for them and be there for myself, too.
If this is an article that’s triggered or brought up some thoughts about your life experiences, a time someone shamed you, or you identify with this pattern in your relationship, I’m here for you. You are welcome to send me an email and I would love to set up a time to listen.