Social Media + How To Meltdown-Proof Yourself This Holiday Season: The Ruby Hour Podcast Featuring Jessica Rueger
THE RUBY HOUR "Social Media + How To Meltdown-Proof Yourself This Holiday Season" Featuring Jessica Rueger, self-mastery coach.
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SHOW NOTES:
3:35 - How to protect your energy while engaging with social media // What to do when your social media community sh*ts on you when you're misunderstood online.
6:00 How to escape the comparison trap of social media + the modern-day "Keeping up with the Jones'"
7:52 How to help young women (pre-teens, teenagers, and early twenties) thrive in this social media comparison age.
11:20 What are people REALLY looking for on social media these days? Tips for brands and businesses around what content to post.
14:25 The startling truth of why we put other women down (and how to cure your own inner Mean-Girl-itus)
20:00 The false HIGH of shit-talking (and the energetic toll it takes on building the life you REALLY want)
24:35 Want to attract great friends? Here's how to get what you really want in your relationships
26:00 What does "raising your vibration" actually mean (on a real-life level)?
28:00 Screw positive thinking — Here's how to lose 30 pounds without punishing yourself + ditching your favorite snackos.
31:40 How to stop attracting jerks and create the love life you really want.
35:00 The beautiful truth about failure.
37:04 How to stay rooted as a mom without putting pressure on your kids to fill your "happiness and purpose" bucket
40:30 How to melt-down-proof yourself with a screaming child in tow. // How to liberate yourself from the need to be a "good mom."
48:18 - How to escape the people-pleaser energy drain // Liberate yourself from holiday family dynamics
50:28 The cold hard truth about our pets shitty behavior // What your pet's behavior shows you about your emotional boundaries and behavior.
52:00 Your dad's shitty attitude towards the waiter is not your fault // How to not let your family of origin's emotional patterns dictate your energetic experience during a meal (or anytime.)
53:45 The "Not Mine" Karate Chop: A quick mental tool for detaching from other people's emotional garbage.
54:15 Quick Summary of emotional and energetic tools to engage with social media, + have a great time regardless of anyone's behavior and take care of yourself.
Here’s the full transcription of this episode:
Shelby Ring: Welcome to the Ruby Hour, a podcast produced by our company Ruby Riot Creatives. We specialize in video production and content marketing, and we're based in Charleston, South Carolina. I'm Shelby Ring.
Madeline Reagor: And I'm Madeline Reagor.
Shelby Ring: This podcast is devoted to interviewing extraordinary people doing extraordinary things, and nuggets of wisdom that they've learned along their journey. Also, just want to give you a heads up, we have potty mouths, and we talk about inappropriate things.
Shelby Ring: Welcome to the Ruby Hour. Today, I have the amazing Jessica Rueger. Jessica, thank you so much for coming and being with me today.
Jessica Rueger: Oh, I'm honored.
Shelby Ring: Jessica is somebody that I have been working with for months and months. She is a self mastery coach here in Charleston, and, oh, man, I mean, in my own personal experience of working with you, it's been such a night and day shift to finding clarity and learning about end results, and knowing where I actually want to derive my life, and, I'm so happy to be able to catch this hour with you, and dive into all of the things we're going to dive into today. What got you on your journey with self mastery?
Jessica Rueger: Well, I've always been a big believer in changing my identity. I went through a lot of different phases in my life, and it was always really fun to see what I could create, and the way that I could transform my life. I moved out of home early, and I moved to Germany, and I just started taking on different personas, but from a very dysfunctional aspect. So, I really wanted to be a coach ever since I was little. People would come to me, and talk to me, and share their secrets with me. And, I started working with a guy who was teaching me consciousness, David Michael, started teaching me how to be conscious, and have integrity, and so that really got the ball rolling into my coaching. And then recently, started working with another coach, two and a half years ago, and he's the one that's been teaching me how to powerfully create functionally. And so, everything changed.
Shelby Ring: Oh, I love that. Now, how long have you been in Charleston?
Jessica Rueger: I've been in Charleston for just under 30 years.
Shelby Ring: Whoa.
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. Well, maybe 30 years.
Shelby Ring: Okay. That is so awesome. What originally brought you to Charleston? How did you come across from gallivanting and just living your best life in Europe, and all of your experience, what eventually brought you to South Carolina?
Jessica Rueger: Well, to be honest, I didn't know South Carolina was really a thing. Growing up in Michigan, I was like, "California, Arizona, Florida." Those were my places I wanted to live in America. But I went on vacation when I moved out of my house, I lived with a friend, and her mom and dad took us to Myrtle Beach. And I was like, "Myrtle Beach?" And, there was the beach and there was palm trees, and I was like, "Oh my gosh." South Carolina seemed like a undiscovered territory. And so, that really perked my attention. And then, when I got back from Germany, I took a job, and I immediately met a girl who shared the same birthday as me. And she was moving to Columbia, South Carolina, and I was like, "Okay, that's pretty close." So, I went with her, and that's how I ended up here.
Shelby Ring: Cool. That is so awesome. So, I feel like your superpower that I've experienced is the ability to hold space for people and track with ... Let's say, in this last week in my life, I tried to share something on social media, and trying to reach out to my community, and I had a pure intention with it. And then I immediately got sized up and analyzed, and I felt there was a lot of judgment around something I wasn't expecting. How did you learn to hold the space for people, and actively listen? The presence that you bring with me whenever we meet each week, and I'm sharing my story, or my journey, or the real, pardon my French, the real shit we all work through it, and what holds up a lot of our energy, how did you learn to maneuver with people through that?
Jessica Rueger: Well, a lot of experience, a lot of doing it the other way. I was definitely somebody that liked to jump in, and I still catch myself sometimes jumping in and interrupting, and wanting to be heard, and wanting to say my piece, and I started to see how that wasn't really serving my client, and it wasn't serving the relationship, and it wasn't really helping me use my intuition, because, in order for me to read, I really need to be listening, and watching, and being present in the moment, and not trying to figure out what I'm going to say next.
Shelby Ring: Oh, yeah. I love that. I just watched a comedian where he was like, "I was in a conversation, the person was going like this, and I was waiting for my next moment to jump in, and it's like, how often are we really listening?"
Jessica Rueger: Not very often.
Shelby Ring: Man, I mean, you and I have had several conversations around this, and a couple weeks ago, I feel like we have a mind blowing experience talking about, as women in, right now it's 2019, social media, and how it's affecting people in the sense of, are we using it as a comparison, contrast, am I keeping up with whoever, am I better than ... We're using it as this judging piece in our lives, and, my opinion, it's the new keeping up with the Joneses, and really sizing up other women, or other families, whatever people's angle is for me. I'm about to be 29 year old woman, and it's like, how do you keep in check with what your truth is, and maneuver through this digital era where it's, either you feel like you have to engage in post, or it's on the other side, you're a consumer, and you're watching, and keeping up, and monitoring people. What do you think about that?
Jessica Rueger: Well, it's interesting, it's changed a lot. It vicillates, vacillates, I don't know the word. It's very different than it used to be. I really wanted to be seen, I wanted to compare myself to all of the people out there that I thought I wanted to be like, and do what I thought they were doing that was getting them success, and really making a lot of comparisons, and judging myself if I wasn't getting as many likes or as many followers, like, "What's wrong with me, what's wrong with me?", all the stuff that's normal that we do. And then, when I started to really look at my own dysfunction around it, I started to notice what I was making it mean about me. And it really helped me to free myself from that. Like, "What am I making it mean about me? Where am I thinking that I'm not enough? Where are these core beliefs that we work with? Where am I thinking that I'm not worthy, or I have to be perfect.", and all of these core beliefs that we grow up with.
Jessica Rueger: And so, it really helped me to take myself out of it and start to use it more functionally. And I still catch myself looking at ... I'm going to be 50 this year, so there's a lot of younger girls on the social media who are super fit, and me being super fit used to be really, really important to me. I hid myself from the world by being super fit, because I didn't care if I got it right, I didn't care if I was understood, I just wanted to look good doing it.
Shelby Ring: I mean, I'm shocked with, as I talk to girls that are 10 years younger than me, and also younger, I have some girls that are little sisters to me, and hearing how it's consuming people. And even Chris was telling me about, there's an Asian pop singer girl that is Billie Eilish's age. She's young teens. And she got, whatever, social media shamed, that she recently just took her life.
Jessica Rueger: Oh geez.
Shelby Ring: From this platform of being anonymous and spewing judgmental thoughts about people, and in this case it was her singing, what tools, or what's your perspective for young women where this is the norm for them? For me, social media has happened in the last six years, and it wasn't part of normal life for my world, but for the next generation of women where It's like, "Take a picture, it didn't happen.", and this level, what would you want to say to them?
Jessica Rueger: Wow, that's a great question. And, immediately what comes up is just, we, as older women need to educate the younger women. And we need to set an example and demonstrate for them, because I would want them to not to take it personally, and you can't compare yourself. You can't begin to understand what somebody's going through, just because of the way their page looks, or where they're traveling, or ... Everyone's fighting a fight within themselves to some extent. None of us is void of having a trauma or tragedy, or abuse of some sort, or people overstepping our boundaries or whatever, to any level, any degree. It's just really important that we keep it in the conversation, and invite them to consider that, if something's happening for you, we can fairly assume that it's happening to other people, and we're all wanting to be seen in a certain way.
Jessica Rueger: And what we're seeing is the way people want us to see them in a certain way, not what's really happening. And so many people are admitting that, "This is my highlight reel." And I like that. "It is. And, show me the real stuff."
Shelby Ring: I just saw a post of Chris Hemsworth, and he's in a full tuxedo, so to the nines, and he's like, "Hey, guys, just wanted to show you the real me. Rolled out of bed ..." He totally riffed off of that, this thing of, "Oh, this is me. I just magically have all this perfect concealer."
Jessica Rueger: Hashtag, no filter.
Shelby Ring: And it's just, I'm so tired of it. And being in the marketing industry, and being in a visual industry, we're helping people curate brand promo content, and that's our line of work. And, I mean, of course with weddings, there's a certain level of that, and people are ... They want to be their best self on their wedding day, but when it comes to brand imagery and doing video shoots and photo shoots, it's like, we're creating this image, but I have this ongoing experiment that I think through of, what is the most truly engaging content? And I look at, what do I really engage with? And I went through a phase where I unfollowed ... It's like, that girl out there that has the perfectly curated, whatever it is, I got so ... I think we're inundated with that now. It's not even about, "Oh, you have a nice light colored filter that all your images have the same palette." It's not so much that as it is, I think, we're looking for the raw selfie. We're looking for someone that's like, "Hey, here's us at a baseball game, whatever, I look like shit."
Shelby Ring: It's like, we want to see ... I feel like I'm looking for those moments for people of, I love to see people just living their life, and maybe they snapped a picture, or maybe they-
Jessica Rueger: Jet lagged or ...
Shelby Ring: Yeah, it's a blend. I mean, you look at Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love, you look at her feed, it's all from an iPhone, unless it's ... It's just, I love it's documenting real life rather than taking all this time to stage the real life. And, it's like, what do you try to pull from with social media when you go online, and you're in a consumer perspective, and it looks like this scroll through? What helps you of either what are you looking for, and then also, what works for you with filtering and staying rooted in the midst of having opportunities to let your monkey mind follow, and do what it does best, which is compare and contrast?
Jessica Rueger: Well, it took me, I don't know, seven to 10 days to unfollow thousands, and thousands, and thousands, because I heard that the more that you follow, the more that you get followed.
Shelby Ring: Oh, okay. The classic #followmeback, like for likes, that thinking.
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. Well, that thinking. And it was an infinite scroll. It never ended. And so, I edited back, and it was laborious, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow, and eventually got it down to 111, because I like those consecutive numbers. And then, I was missing out a little bit. I was getting to the end of the feed really quickly. Sometimes there'd only be two or three posts. I'm like, "Okay." So, I bumped it up to 222. And, for me, I want to see behind the curtain. I want to see people's real interactions. And I'm very attuned to the curated. I can tell. I can really see when it's superficial, or when it's not real. And I noticed what comes up for me when I see that. So, that's a lot of the work that I've been doing, is like, "Well, that's me being judgmental.", or, "Am I just observing the obvious.", to be determined.
Jessica Rueger: But, really, I do it when it feels true for me, and I don't do it to compare, and when I notice I'm comparing, I just do the work. I look and say, "What am I making that mean about me?"
Shelby Ring: So, for people that are new to this work, what does, what am I making it mean about me ... Unpack that a little for me, because that's been one of the most mind blowing things you've introduced to me in my life, and in Madeline's life as well. And, it's like, "What is that like? I see that post. I see the girl, and she looks freaking beautiful"
Jessica Rueger: Amazing.
Shelby Ring: It's the real truth of it, right?
Jessica Rueger: Right.
Shelby Ring: And I'm like, "Oh, f*ck that b*tch. Whatever." That part of myself rears up. What am I making it mean? Walk me through that.
Jessica Rueger: Well, immediately you go into a story, because we're making everything up anyway, and we're usually doing it from a dysfunctional aspect. And we're wanting to get a jolt of feeling more powerful. And so, immediately, we'll say, "F*ck that b!tch,", or something like, we got to put her down so that we can get that hit of adrenaline that makes us feel better for a minute. And it's really unhealthy. We make up stories. So we're making up a story. I had a story, "Oh, well, she must have had a better life than me. She probably grew up with a lot of money, and her mom and dad loved her and took her on trips and bought her what she wanted." I had all these stories that people that were more successful than me had it better than me. So that was me staying in my victim mentality. So, I had a story that was running that somebody had it better than me, and that's, they had help from their dad, or financial inheritance, or some kind of a gift that gave them a jolt up.
Jessica Rueger: And so, basically it's looking at the story and stalking the story as my teacher says. And you know what a stalker does, it watches every move. It doesn't take his eye off of the prey or whatever. So, you really want to really watch the stories that you're telling yourself, because most of the time we're telling them to ourselves unconsciously. And every time we tell ourselves a story, our subconscious mind is looking for proof that that story's true, so that we can be right. Because what feels better than putting down a gorgeous woman and feeling like we're right. So when you're saying that story, and you're looking at it, you're like, "Well, what am I making that mean about me? That I'm not gorgeous, that I don't have what it takes to be successful, because my dad didn't give me a big chunk of change when I graduated from high school, or because of this or because of that."
Jessica Rueger: And so, every time there's an excuse for not being who you want to be, you're putting the power in the excuse and not into your creative ability to go out there and create what you want. Does that make it clear?
Shelby Ring: Well, and it's like, I think my story that I love to say is being like ... It's like, must be nice. Must be nice to have nothing better to do than curate a beautiful image or whatever it took to get to that place, must be nice. And then, my story is, "Well, they're in a traditional woman's role of, oh, she's got a cash cow husband.", or this whole pattern, but it's like, at the end of my little standing on my soapbox and being like, "Ugh.", and being the mean girl, which I don't like experiencing being the victim of the mean girl, and I don't like receiving that energy. And it's like, when I step into being the mean girl, and being like, "It's because of this." And then it's like, "See, I'm right." And it's like, "That felt good." And then, four or five seconds later, it dropped like that.
Jessica Rueger: Energy drop.
Shelby Ring: Drops, and then it's like, "Oh." Then you're back to exactly where you were before. So what you're suggesting is, it's, oh, I get that hit of, "Must be nice." And then to be like, "I see. I am questioning I'm seeing somebody that's beautiful, and I'm fact checking myself of that I'm not connecting with my sense of power and self worth, and acknowledging that I've got everything I need right now as well. And, bless that girl."
Jessica Rueger: Bless her.
Shelby Ring: Like, "Good for her. Someone give her a trophy." And then be like, "Okay, cool." So, what do I need to do in my life ... Maybe it's even like, "Here you are Shelby, right now, just as you are, two weeks after having a chest cold, whatever. You're killing it." Channel your inner Lizzo, and be like, "I'm perfect just right now. I'm into my fitness and eating." What's her handle? It's like, Lizzoeatingstuff or Lizzoseating. She has the most badass Instagram handle I've ever seen. And being like, "Here's that work." And if it is like, "Damn, I wish I had that body. I wish I was like at that peak level of fitness.", then maybe the practical things like, "Maybe I should take two seconds and look at the local gyms near me that's been something on the back burner." But we exert that ping of adrenaline and we lose the charge of the creative.
Jessica Rueger: Absolutely. The tension, the creative tension. So, a couple of things that just popped for me when I was listening to you talk. One is, you are responsible to yourself for the experience you want to be having. And maybe you're getting that quick adrenaline rush in the moment, but then, like you said, four seconds later, it's like the bottom drops right out, and you're, not only back where you started, you might have hemorrhaged so much energy in that comparison, that you're actually at a deficit to where you were.
Shelby Ring: Whoa.
Jessica Rueger: So you've hemorrhaged all this energy, you've released this tension, because tension seeks resolution. So, you've relieved your tension, which you could use to create the body you want to create, but you're spending your time avoiding what you don't want, looking at pictures that are showing you better bodies, or whatever the case may be, and you're not mastering yourself in the moment to know that, when you look at those pictures, this is what happens, but you keep looking at the pictures. It's like an addiction. And we all them to varying degrees.
Shelby Ring: It's like when you get the ping of notifications from social media.
Jessica Rueger: It's like dopamine.
Shelby Ring: Yes. And if I track that, that's legit. So, you're saying, it's, we build this cycle of comparison contrast, and I think that makes me think of my girlfriend that's 17 right now, and how she's my biggest struggle as a senior in high school right now, is, I can't get out of the vortex of how I compare and contrast. I beat myself down into a hole, and I can't get out. And she'll get depressed for several days, and whatever her outlet is, if it's binging and purging, it's like she doesn't have a new tools realized yet to process, and to move beyond what she's built a pattern around. So, you're saying, this concept of an energy drain, and that literally... Because sometimes, and I've thought about this, and I've heard these teachings of ... I think, back in the day when I used to wait tables, there was nothing better than getting with other servers and talking shit about the guests. You want to talk about your own little mini rot rally.
Jessica Rueger: "Table number five, oh my God, did you hear what she said?"
Shelby Ring: You're like, "You see that mom over there? You know what she just said to me? She just asked her two ketchups. What is this?"
Jessica Rueger: Who does she think she is?
Shelby Ring: "What kind of place do you think this is?" And so, it's like, that is a high of getting to rally together and talk shit with people, is the foundation I feel like, of many of my close relationships. And it's like, there's something that's fun, and it's like, we're talking shit about other women, specifically, when we want to get together and analyze, "Oh, that girl, she's one of these people ..." And we do this thing. But what you're suggesting with this creative tension, the moment I have that hit of, "Aargh, f*#$ that b!tch.", that little ... I'm scared. I'm going to act like I'm fierce, but really, I'm threatened. That's what's really happening. You're saying, if I come in and I rally with all my girlfriends, and I'm like, "Oh, let's mock this girl to make ourselves feel better.", that that's a next level drain of ...
Jessica Rueger: Absolutely. Well, so tension seeks resolution, and energy seeks energy. And so, if you're comparing yourself to another woman, and you're in a group of women do that, it's going to be really easy to drop into that vibration. And it's a way to connect. We're always looking to connect, but we can connect at higher vibrations, and what we're doing is we're connecting at a lower vibration, the lower hanging fruit, the easy way. It's easy to fall into that lower dip, and dip into that, and have fun and feel accepted, and liked, and approved of, and connected with. And so, my invitation is to find a higher vibration, a higher way to connect, and to use our creative energy to create what we want, instead of avoiding what we don't want, instead of dropping in and doing what's easy, and it doesn't feel good.
Jessica Rueger: We don't want to be on the other end of that. And so, it's important that, the more that we talk about other people, the more that, in the back of our lives, we're going to be worrying about being spoken of. So, we're perpetuating the problem.
Shelby Ring: Sol attracting people that are on that lower vibe of the sense of, when you meet people, and if the main thing you're talking about is talking smack, finding flaws with other people, the more we're building fear at the back of our mind that's like, "Oh my gosh, when I walk away, I hope they're not going to say these things about me."
Jessica Rueger: Why wouldn't they?
Shelby Ring: Why wouldn't they? And I felt that, and it's like, to find people that truly, like you're describing, if I raise my vibration, and we can ... I'd love for you to speak to, what the heck does that mean in real life, not just like moon stars and stuff?
Jessica Rueger: It's not [crosstalk 00:24:29] esoteric.
Shelby Ring: Yeah. And, when we work to better ourselves, and stop doing what we're always used to doing, and so, if I'm just used to rallying together with my friends, and talking smack, and just being negative, it is hard to not be negative. And there's that quote, it's, mediocre people talk about people, great people talk about ideas, and create ways to create.
Jessica Rueger: I was trying to think about two seconds ago. And I was listening.
Shelby Ring: Wow. So, when we find people that we talk smack with, we're just plateauing with our energy.
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. And it's really hard if you have a habit of that with people. I know, I've changed friend groups a few times, and I've rekindled most of those friendships, but for a while, I needed the separation, because I couldn't trust myself to not do that. I couldn't trust myself, and I didn't want to ... If they started talking, I was going to start talking, because it's like crack or whatever, some dejure drug.
Shelby Ring: It's like, we're like, "Oh, we're all in this." It's bonding, but it's a pseudo bond.
Jessica Rueger: It is. It's a dysfunctional, unhealthy, low tier of bonding. And it's easy. It's easy to talk about other people, it's hard to go create an amazing life.
Shelby Ring: Drop the mic. Wreck this thing down. Okay. So, raising your vibration. We'd love to be like, "Raise your vibration, your chakras." What does that mean?
Jessica Rueger: Well, we're all tuned to a certain frequency. We're all energy. Everything is energy. You can look it up. It's scientific. It's ...
Shelby Ring: It's science.
Jessica Rueger: It's science people. So, we are tuned to a certain frequency, and, our thoughts and our feelings really indicate our vibration, our state of being.
Shelby Ring: Okay. It's almost like your headspace, or your mentality. What is the soundtrack of your mind?
Jessica Rueger: Absolutely. And there are charts out there. The Hawkins scale is a measure of consciousness. And, if you're worrying and feeling a lot of guilt and shame, you're going to be vibrating at a lower frequency. It's low, it's dense, it's dark. You're like this. You're contrasting.
Shelby Ring: And it has that effect on your body. You literally feel defeated. If I feel defeated, I'm going to physically posture myself.
Jessica Rueger: Look defeated and experience yourself as being defeated, and people are going to feel that energetically, whether they're sensitive to it or not, whether they are aware of it or not, they're going to feel it. Like attracts like, magnetically. So, a higher vibration is really being in a state of being that feels good, and that you're standing a little taller, because you're thinking thoughts. And it's not positive thinking, it's thinking based in truth. So, you need to find the truth within you and build on that.
Shelby Ring: Wow.
Jessica Rueger: Because, if you're trying to fix yourself with positive thinking, you won't align with it unless it's true for you. It's like saying, "I'm super fit.", when I'm not. I'm not going to buy into it. I know what's true, and when you know it's true, it has to be based in truth for you to believe in it, and then you just continue to maintain your vibration. And we're not always up here all the time. It's like enlightened beings. We have moments of enlightenment, we don't become enlightened.
Shelby Ring: Whoa. So, it's like the stereotypical wuwu, juju, positive thinking. It's just like-
Jessica Rueger: You just have to think positively.
Shelby Ring: Let's say I have 30 pounds that I'd like to work through and develop into strength, and I'm like, "Oh, I am so fit right now." It's like, your brain is going to be like, "Frigging bullshit." It's like, you instinctively ... But what you're suggesting is, what's the alternative to that? I have 30 pounds that, it's my intention, I want to shift that energy in my life, and make some changes, what is a more realistic thought or statement that would be building on truth like you're describing?
Jessica Rueger: Well, it's multi-layered. First of all, I like to go into the vision of the body that I want to have. And I'm actually doing this now. I'm just taking it seriously. I want to be in amazing shape by the time I'm 50, because I want to learn to use in self master in that way now, instead of hiding behind it. So, it's really getting the clear end results. What is the vision? What do I want? What do I want to look like? How do I want to feel? And then, it is dropping into the current reality, and notice what's not working, and then notice what is working, focus on what's working, and take obvious action that is going to carry you to that end result.
Shelby Ring: Okay. So, if I'm baby state of starting these changes, and making these moves, and if I'm like, "All right, I'm done." I'm like, I'm wanting to make a real action with my health goal, with my fitness goal, what would be a baby step? Is it as simple as being like, "I should probably not have my favorite all time Halloween candy in the house."? What ...
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. I'm a big proponent for not eliminating, because I feel like it's restrictive and limiting. I'm very infinite. So, what am I going to do? What am I willing to do, so that I can have that candy, if I do truly want it? My belief is just working on it everyday. What's one thing I can do today? What's one thing that I can do today that will propel me towards that? Because it's difficult when you're a yogi, and you're practicing yoga every day, and then you have a child at 43, and then you quit doing yoga. And then, it's time to go back to yoga, your body looks different, it feels different. You don't have the strength that you had. You don't look like you did in those cute little Lululemons, shout out.
Jessica Rueger: So, it's really important to just be like, "What can I do today? What action can I take today that's going to support me, A, experiencing myself in the way that I want to experience myself, feeling good, and moving towards my end result, and having a clear, not a plan, but a clear direction?"
Shelby Ring: Okay. I like the difference between plan and direction.
Jessica Rueger: Direction. Who do I want to be in the face of this, and in what way can I take care of myself that's going to ... And not waiting till then, that end result to feel good, but doing what I can do now to start feeling good now, so that I'm not punishing myself to get to my goal. I'm actually enjoying my workout, and doing a workout that feels true for me and more intuitive workout, and not going out and just busting myself, and punishing myself, because we're going to burn out with that. And then, you're just going to feel defeated. And this is about feeling infinite, and charged, and energized, which is what we get to experience now before we even get to the end result.
Shelby Ring: That's such a different shift of approaching any kind of goal, because I love that as we're describing this, it's like, if I'm coming out of a relationship, and I've had lots of teetering back and forth, and I'm trying to create a new experience, I could spend all day looking on social media. Equivalent of that would be, well, how can I poke the bear of continuing conflict? I've been married and divorced, and ending ... I'm versed in relationships, and it's those moments of, do I poke the bear and get obsessed with a pattern of relationship, because, really, it's easier to focus on the frustration and the fights? I just heard this expression, "If you don't want to play games with someone, don't throw the ball back."
Jessica Rueger: Right. Put the ball down.
Shelby Ring: And so, it's like, it's so scary to put the ball down, and to be like, "I'm going to learn a new sport now.", or not play sports, and like, "I'm going to go work on myself or whatever.", and to shift that energy. That is terrifying. For me, it's terrifying to leave. I'm much more like, "I love people." And I'm like, "Ughh, ughh." So, it's like to be like, "Wow, here's the great unknown." And same, I think, with eating, and with our relationship with our body. How often do we just like, "Very early, I'm going to hit the treadmill. I'm going to drink soup broth because Kim Kardashian is doing it or something."
Jessica Rueger: Exactly. And deprive myself, and punish myself relentlessly until I'm in the shape that I want to be, and then I'll be happy.
Shelby Ring: But you're suggesting that it's along the way, every single day, experiencing, having a vision of where you want to be aiming towards, having a direction. I love that. The direction feels fluid versus plan. I'm like, "Oh, shit, I had two extra Twinkies today." I don't really eat Twinkies too much, but ...
Jessica Rueger: I didn't see you as a Twinkies kind of gal.
Shelby Ring: But being like, "All right, Kit Kats, I had some extras from the office." And then I typically do a downward spiral. And what you're suggesting is, it's like, "All right. If I could take the stairs when I come into this building every day, rather than going for the elevator, and if I parked a little further away at the end of the parking lot when I go to the grocery store, that is practical, obtainable, and I can be in the experience that I want to be having of lining up with my vision. And, if I had a couple extra Kit Kats, well, then I did for today." And, that was the choices that I chose to make in the moment. That was my solution. That was my MO, and that it's not something that's like, "Oh no."
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. You don't want to go into beating yourself up. If you've done it, you've done it. Who do you want to be in the face of it? Are we going to hemorrhage our energy now beating yourself up for doing something that we should not have done?
Shelby Ring: I mean, I would like to enjoy the chocolate that I'm choosing to eat.
Jessica Rueger: Enjoy the chocolate, enjoy the lift that it gives you. And then, for me, personally, when I work out, I choose to eat naturally, because allowing that to happened naturally is a lot different. But if we start depriving ourselves and limiting ourselves, we're going to experience ourselves as limited, as deprived, and we're likely going to take ourselves out of our end result. And the only way to fail is to take yourself out, and just to completely quit. Everything else is just create and adjust.
Shelby Ring: Say that again. The only way to fail ...
Jessica Rueger: Is to take yourself out, is to quit.
Shelby Ring: What does that mean?
Jessica Rueger: That means that, well, the way that I live my life is I create, and I see what's obvious, and I make adjustments. If what I'm doing is not working, I pivot, I make an adjustment, and I keep continuing to create, and go for my end result. But, a lot of times, when we don't get what we want ... Because we want that instant gratification, hence the Kit Kat. Sometimes we just want that instant gratification.
Shelby Ring: The Kit Kat, or the Instagram face scroll, or the text back.
Jessica Rueger: Then go back to the ex boyfriend or whatever, the text back. The, grab the phone as soon as it pings. It's important that we have discipline, and our discipline can be more in alignment when we have an end result, when we have a vision for ourselves, when we have some direction that we're going in. Otherwise, we're just like this feather in the wind that's just blowing in every direction, reacting to whatever life is serving up. And we don't think we're creating it, we're just reacting to it. "No, I don't want that." "Well, what do you want?" It's really important to get clear in what do I want, and is what I want more important than having this Kit Kat? And then it becomes obvious. "If I eat this, am I going to have the experience I want to be having? When I typically eat two Kit Kats, do I beat myself up, or can I be like awesome, I'll take the stairs twice tomorrow during my lunch break, or whatever."
Jessica Rueger: It's just really not beating yourself up, but giving yourself the freedom, because we're here to experience free will, And we are responsible to ourselves for the experience we want to be having in every moment. There's all these milestones that we go for, but there's a lot of life happening between those, between that school graduation and college graduation, and finding a career, and [crosstalk 00:36:57]. Exactly. So, in all these moments, if we're just looking to the next milestone, we're missing out in the moment.
Shelby Ring: You have two amazing children,...
Jessica Rueger: Thank you.
Shelby Ring: ...and you have a husband, you have many moving parts in your life, and you're a professional, what's been the one of the biggest things that has kept you feeling rooted in really taking life in around you, and not putting all of your energy into the stereotypical living vicariously through your kids, putting all this pressure of like, "My kids are ...", in that sacrificial, draining energy as a mother, versus a conscious, just being in the seat of your power, what's worked for you with that?
Jessica Rueger: Once I was clear on which of the foundational, aka core beliefs, that were playing out underneath my awareness, I was more on to them, and on to myself, and I was no longer willing to give those beliefs the power. And there's 12 of them, and, until we understand what they are, and we get them from when we're born until we're seven, these beliefs are what really helps us orient, and have safety, and feel loved, and get what we want when we're young.
Shelby Ring: They positive or negative, these core beliefs.
Jessica Rueger: They typically are played out in a dysfunctional way. So it's like, "I'm not worthy.", or, "I need to be perfect.", or, "I don't have the capacity." So the capacity one is a big one. In my life, because I was a single mom, I didn't think I had enough energy. I had an amazing experience raising my daughter as a single mom. I mean, I wouldn't give it up for anything. And so, in those moments, though, when I don't think that I can be present because I've got this to do with that to do, or I need to get this kid to sleep so that I can go have a bath, it's like, it's really letting go of the controlling aspect of it, and just allowing life to be what it is, and then be who I'm going to be in the face of it, based on the experience I want to be having. Those are the three tools that I really ... My boy is now seven, and he's a boy. And sometimes, my capacity, I feel like I'm reaching my limit, and I get scared that I'm not going to do it right, or there's something I want to be doing, or I may be sending a text and he's talking to me, and I can't do two things at once. I just can't. I'm just not willing to.
Shelby Ring: Sure.
Jessica Rueger: It's not comfortable. So, it's really, who do I want to be in the face of this? Can this text wait? Do I want to give my son my undivided attention? And also, when do I teach him the boundaries of, "Hey, I'll be with you in just a minute.", and, "You can learn to self soothe yourself for a few minutes while I'm doing what I'm doing for a few minutes, and then we'll meet together." And then demonstrating that too. So, for me, it's all about knowing that I always have enough energy when I'm aware of my connection to the source of all that is, the all providing generator of life, and remembering that I bring awareness to that, I connect to that, or be aware of that connection to that. And then it's infinite. I can be in traffic or with a child that's screaming and pitching a fit, or in relationship.
Jessica Rueger: There's no relationship is perfect, there's arguments, and it always comes back to who do I want to be in the face of this? Who do I want to be, and what am i demonstrating here? And what experience do I want to be having? And what can I do to orient myself to this situation, so that I can have an amazing time, and hopefully invite someone else into that amazing time too?
Shelby Ring: Well, and, if you have a screaming kid, like you're talking about, in the middle of Target, full meltdown, for me, I don't have babies yet, but it's like, if I'm around someone that's having a meltdown in public, I immediately am like, "Oh my gosh." I start making it, what does it make it mean about me? And so, I can imagine, with the child, the screaming child in the back of the car, it's like, "What am I making it mean about me?" And detaching from that sense of, "Oh my gosh, I'm out of control. I can't control, what are these people thinking? What are they ..." The externals.
Jessica Rueger: Absolutely.
Shelby Ring: Was that an overnight thing for you to learn?
Jessica Rueger: Oh, God, no. No. But we did spend a lot of time on the road driving from Charleston to Asheville with a screaming kid in the backseat, and we tried everything. We would do chance, we would sing Sanskrit, we would play music, we would argue, we would do all the things, and eventually, I realized that I was making it mean something about me, that I couldn't control him, or keep him from being who he is. And that was a big mind explosion for me. And to realize that, I didn't need to prove that I was a good mom, that I needed to be of service to the situation, and be of service to him, and not give him messages that it's not okay to cry, or that he ... I think he probably hated being in a car seat. He's a free, young, wild boy who doesn't want to be tethered, and neither do I. And so, it's almost seems cruel when you think about how tight those car seats need to be. And when I was sitting on my mom's lap in the front a Volkswagen with a cast iron, the dashboard, and it's two door.
Jessica Rueger: So, for me, it was a lot of trial and error, and just realizing, wow, I am responsible for who I'm being, and what energy I'm bringing to that. And if I'm getting agitated because he's crying, that's not going to be a high enough vibration to invite him out of. So, I want to be what my teacher calls the pace car, where I'm monitoring my energy. And if I'm taking care of myself, and I'm self soothing, if you will, and staying calm, and present, and aware, and having an experience that I want to be having, because I'm in control of that. He's not. If I make him in control of that, then I'm codependent, then I need him to be okay in order for me to be okay, and that applies to anyone and everyone. And when you can become masterful of yourself in that kind of environment, then anything you can see that anything's possible. And when I started to really experiment with that, I would notice that his energy would change.
Shelby Ring: Whoa.
Jessica Rueger: And I even do this now on airplanes with kids I don't know. If they're crying four rows up, I get that immediate, "Oh God, are we going to be on the airplane with a crying kid?" And then I get on to myself. And I'm like, put my hand on my heart and I just start being the light and the love, noticing my own connection, and then I start sending that energy to that child.
Shelby Ring: Your own connection. You go from being externals what's happening, to being, "All right, here I am,..."
Jessica Rueger: Dropping in.
Shelby Ring: "...feel frustrated, and here I am in this moment, and I'm okay." So you start that-
Jessica Rueger: Detach.
Shelby Ring: Okay.
Jessica Rueger: I detach from what the environment is.
Shelby Ring: The bombs going off around you.
Jessica Rueger: Exactly. Thank you. And then I drop into my own internal experience, and then I start to manage it. I start to breathe and realize, "What would I love to experience instead of this?" It's one of my favorite questions. "What would I love to experience instead of this? Well, what can I do? Well, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep reading, I'm going to close my eyes, I'm going to put my hand on my heart, I'm going to feel my own connection, and then I'm going to send that love, and I'm going to imagine that child being soothed by my soothing myself." And, each time I've ever done it, it's miraculous how that child will calm down. But we can't calm a child by shaking them, and telling them to stop.
Shelby Ring: And being like, "Don't do ..." Just threatening their life. That's not ...
Jessica Rueger: It doesn't work.
Shelby Ring: Doesn't make me feel safe-
Jessica Rueger: It didn't work for me, and it doesn't work as a mom, and really, those Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, those are such staples. And it's like, A, don't take it personally, because as a mom, when your kid's screaming, it's very uncomfortable. And you are making it about you. "What are they going to think about me? What kind of a parent lets their child behave this way?" So, it's important to just disassociate from what everybody else thinks, because it's not going to help you out of that situation, it's only going to perpetuate your stress. And then, drop in and just give yourself the experience you want to be having, and know that, that vibration can support other people going to the higher vibration. So, the pace car.
Shelby Ring: So, when there's a child in the backseat screaming, or if your child's having a meltdown on the airplane, what would you really want to be experiencing of that? What does that actually look like in that moment, as a mom? You're like, "What would I like to experience?" What would you like to experience?
Jessica Rueger: Yeah. I want to experience having, A, control over myself, so that I'm not dropping in to that vibration, and then we're not trying to please everyone around me, because that's not my job. Everyone, I like to assume, and I use that word carefully, that everyone is in control of themselves, that everyone is responsible for themselves. And I came from a very people pleasing epidemic. It was my sickness, was I wanted to please everyone. If everyone else was comfortable, then I could be okay. Well, that was exhausting, requires a lot of work. And I was really good at it, so I did it a lot. And, what it did was, it just kept people out of their power. So, when I'm in that situation, and I say this in retrospect, because it doesn't always work, but I make every attempt to, is just be in my own experience.
Jessica Rueger: And also, now, because I'm a self mastery teacher, I want to demonstrate. So, I take those opportunities to just be in my own power, and then extend love to my child, and not worry about what everybody else is doing, but what they're seeing can have an impact on them to do it differently, to not [inaudible 00:47:03] their kid or shame them, because they're not comfortable on the flight, or they're [crosstalk 00:47:09].
Shelby Ring: Because their ears are blowing up on the inside, like, "Sorry, I'm crying, I'm three, and I don't know what's happening."
Jessica Rueger: And we all wonder why we live with shame, because we're not allowed to be who we are. And so, it's really allowing me to have my reaction, deciding what I'm making it mean about me, what would I love to experience instead? What becomes obvious? What would I like, and what becomes obvious to me in order to do that? And when I'm in my shit, and I'm freaking out, I have no access to that information. None. I'm trying to put out a fire, and while I'm trying to put out a fire, I'm completely disconnected from the very information that's going to give me what I want. So, I got to put out the fire in my heart first.
Shelby Ring: I feel like I'm going to do my own fire putting out experience of calm down-
Jessica Rueger: That reaction might trigger. Because if I'm in reaction, I can't create. I'm just covering geysers [inaudible 00:48:04] outside of yourself. Exactly.
Shelby Ring: So, being able to check in with your own internal world stop focus on putting out geysers, because I love how you said ... And I didn't even realize that I do this until I started this work that we've been doing together, of how much I'm looking for everyone else outside of myself to be okay, and then I give myself permission to let go, and be like, "Oh, okay, we're all good now." But it's like, that is an uphill battle for eternity.
Jessica Rueger: Eternity.
Shelby Ring: And it's also just a mental trap, because you cannot ever control other people around you. And, if your cousin's going to show up without a shirt on to Christmas dinner, and be on his fourth tall boy, it's going to be a very uphill battle to be able to control the things that are around and outside. For me, that's such a breath of fresh air to dis-know, "It's not on me to be able to make everything perfect, and that's okay."
Jessica Rueger: Yeah, we can't go around creating our environments all the time. We have an inner environment that is easy. No one can control it, only we can, and when we tune into that ... Because it's a hard habit to break. We grow up doing this, because, in our family dynamic, many of us needed to do that. "Well, if mom's okay, and dad's okay, then I am okay." So, we unconsciously start doing this, and then we get really good at it, and we can detect people's energy and when they're, "Oh, he's about to get mad. So, I need to do this in order for him not to do that.", or, "I need to go hide and whatever." So it's like, if you just drop into your own self, then you can create the environment within yourself, and then you can actually affect your outer environment. So, it's counterintuitive, but by going in, you can actually directly affect your outer environment by bringing your own vibration up, and inviting people into that by just being who you are, not letting your cousin who showed up without a shirt on with his fourth tall boy ruin your Thanksgiving.
Shelby Ring: Yeah, exactly, which is all too relative with the holiday season in full swing. That's liberating. And, I think it's amazing too, with working with animals, and watching people. I have a very good friend that is a dog trainer, and I brought my golden retriever, and was around her, and I was bitching about, "He does this stuff, and he's so not good with me on the leash. He's great with my partner, but with me, he just doesn't respect me." I got his whole story, and she was like, "Well, you don't respect yourself." And I was like, "What? No, no, no. No, no, no. this isn't about me. This is this dog. It's messed up about the dog." And it's doing this work with her for years and years understanding, even with animals, animals are a reflection of what we tolerate. And Tony Robbins has that statement, "We get what we tolerate." An animal is only doing what it's been exhibited is okay, encouraged. If a dog jumps, and forever we're like, "Oh my God, it's cute." And then you have guests come over, and then the dog tries to do the same pattern, and you're like, "Oh, Fito, no!!"
Jessica Rueger: Why would they think it’s any different?
Shelby Ring: And it's like, well, the dog is like, "What? Why are you trying to trick a bitch? Don't do this to me." So, it's like, to see, and with me walking with my dog on a leash, and him going in front of me. she was like, "If he steps in front of you, and you're going in front of him, you step on his toe. Not obviously, crunching your dog's toe, but go on your path." And I was like, "I can't. I'm not going to step on his foot. I have shoes on, I'm not going to do that." And she like, "Oh, but you'll let him step on you all day long? Who else do you let step on you and make you a doormat when you are in the driver's seat, or you're supposed to be in the driver's seat?" And it's like, oh my gosh, that energy translates everywhere.
Jessica Rueger: Everywhere.
Shelby Ring: And we, like you're saying, we set the pace car, we give people the invitation to rise up, and if we're forever catering to, "Oh, no, don't be upset. Oh, it's okay." Here’s a key example: I love my dad. He's amazing. And, when we go out to eat, he's like Mr. Grumpy Gills at times. He's looking for every excuse of, "Oh, this guacamole is overpriced and whatever." And it's like, I love it. That's him. That's the generation he's from, whatever. And, for me to sit at that table, and I used to be ... To any server, he'd be like, "No, I'll take my Coke, bah, whatever." And then I would be like, "Oh my gosh, thank you so much. Oh, that's so great. Thanks." And I'm exhausting myself...
Jessica Rueger: Over compensating.
Shelby Ring: ...because I didn't want them to feel like, oh, my dad's a jerk, and ugh. I was making it mean that I was a jerk if I was sitting at a table with someone having their own experience, and then I needed to balance it out, and it would wipe me out. And it's like, how liberating to just be able ... I just got back from a trip back to Austin, and to sit at Kerbey Lane and have some sweet little 16 year old guy taking our order, and he was not the best at customer service, I will tell you that, and to know that my dad is going to be fully who he is, and I'm going to be who I am, and I don't have to come in and jump and rescue anybody from having their experience. And that, I don't have to make it mean anything about me if my dad you know, thinks the guacamole is overpriced.
Jessica Rueger: It doesn't identify you. I came up with this cool little karate chop when I first started learning that technique. I was just like, "That is not mine." And it was like, I would separate it from me, and I'd be like, "That is not mine. Back to me. Back to me."
Shelby Ring: So practical things for wrapping up our Ruby, our session. So we have our karate chop of, when can you identify when someone or something on social media, or the people around you are being exactly who they are, and maybe it doesn't align with who you would like to be to have the ... I give you permission to let go of trying to control everyone else, controlling your five year old, controlling ... Just, you get to manage you.
Jessica Rueger: Yeah, and I'll tell you, if you've gotten really good at that, then you have all the skills, you just apply it to yourself. You've already had taken all of this time to learn how to go out and handle everybody else, but give that to yourself. That's self love. That's self care.
Shelby Ring: I love it. I love it. Well, thank you so much for being on the Ruby hour. And, Jessica, how can people get in touch with you, and follow more of these teachings, this headspace, if they want to raise their vibration, and get out of some of those patterns, where can they find you?
Jessica Rueger: I have a website, jessicarueger.com. It's jessicarueger.com, and I'm also on Instagram, and Facebook, @JessicaRueger . I think there's only one of us out there, so that's cool. Good.
Shelby Ring: The one and only. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for tuning in. Be sure to like and subscribe, and follow, tag a friend, if any of this information is helpful, and we will see you next time.