I'm sitting here, eating chocolate cake with sprinkles for breakfast, sobbing in between bites. The cake won't bring back my dear childhood friend Tayler's mom, Michelle, but the ritual soothes me. 

Friends Come Into Our Lives For A Reason And A Season: A Love Letter To Michelle, The Most Beautiful Mom I Ever Met

I haven't spent time with Tayler, or her mom, in over a decade. Sitting here, processing a workout recording, haphazardly scrolling through my Instagram feed, I see the faces of two beautiful women I love, and the text below of Tayler sharing her heartbreak of losing her twin flame, and my own heart shatters. 

Friends come into our lives for different reasons and different seasons of our lives.

In my own experience of devastation, I've called my mom three times now (she's the person I call whenever I find out devastating news), and I'm reminded of something so precious about life. Friends come into our lives for different reasons and different seasons of our lives. We all have those moms of friends who love us as their own. Michelle was one of those moms in my life and childhood.

Tayler's mom Michelle came into my life during 5th grade, my 11th year of life. Both being replanted in a new elementary school and joining the same cheerleading team, Tayler and I became fast friends. 

Memories of sleepovers at Michelle's home feel like buttercream icing, warm hues of air that feel warm and soothe my skin.

I smell Michelle's sweet perfume. She always smelled so good. I'd never met such a feminine, beautiful woman like Michelle in my life yet. Michelle felt like that bigger sister every young girl needs in her life.  I was always included. She was always happy to see me. I felt like family in her presence. Tayler and I didn't have to hide our questions about becoming a woman around her. I didn't feel judged asking her questions. I loved riding around in the car with the two of them and spending time in her orbit.  Tayler was one of my first friends who had parents who were divorced.  I learned so much spending time in both of her family homes, I loved her dad (he has the same birthday as my mom), I loved her stepmom, and I loved her mom.

My memories show me how safe, beautiful, and sacred it felt to be in her presence.

Michelle radiated this heir of effortless femininity. She couldn't help but exude this kind, inclusive, gracious energy. Thinking back with my 29-year-old-brain, I would assume she probably didn't have it altogether at every moment; being a single mom, balancing her work, raising her daughter, and co-parenting - many things my 11-year-old mind couldn't be troubled by. My memories show me how safe, beautiful, and sacred it felt to be in her presence. She was real. She was refreshing. Tayler, to this day, embodies this same sweet, inclusive energy.

I am so heartbroken to discover she's no longer going about soul’s journey in a certain form anymore.

I'm so heartbroken when I think of my dear sweet friend Tae Tae, who joined me in fits of giggles as a young girl on the verge of becoming a woman, now facing this new chapter, being a forerunner in a journey we all must face as daughters one day. 

And I'm also deeply inspired.

This woman I've been out of touch with for almost two decades impacted my life in such a  beautiful way, anchoring so many beautiful messages into my subconscious: That I am beyond capable. That I can do absolutely do anything in this world if I choose to open my heart and go after it.

That expressing beauty in this world isn't about a particular trend or style or behavior, but it's a state of embodiment, the way you share your heart and express kindness to ourselves and the world.

Michelle, thank you for loving me and teaching me the lessons I didn't even realize I carry today. Thank you for embracing and accepting my young heart. Thank you for showing me what it looks like to be a beautiful, gracious woman.

Thank you for being honest and kind to me. Friends come into our lives for a reason or for a season, and I am thankful for the beauty and lessons you demonstrated in my life.

You will be dearly missed, but I know your presence will never leave my life.

I know that when I express kindness, when I take time to add a little blush to my cheeks, or when I have that little sparkle in my eyes, your spirit lives on -- not only in me but in the countless women's lives you've touched with the way you loved.

May I carry the grace you demonstrated to me to my girlfriends and the young women who are the daughters in my life. May I embody the gentleness and inclusive presence you offered my inquisitive, hyper heart. And may I hold others in my gaze with the compassion you looked at me with.