Okay, real talk: here's the double-edged sword about being a visual storyteller, documenting moments, preserving moments: Remembering love lost from previous relationships.

I preserve memories and moments for clients, and I'm also diligent and make it a priority for my personal life. Trips I take, fun weekends with my lover or dear friends. I'm not always carrying around a clunky DSLR, most of my personal adventure recaps are shot on my little iPhone, but the mini videos I make are absolute treasures to me. But it's a double-edged sword.

Every now and then, I'll stumble upon a video of a trip with a former lover or a different chapter of life - sometimes it just takes that first 3 seconds of seeing that first clip and the song set to it, and it rips my heart right out of my chest. I physically have a response of feeling like my heart just stepped into an elevator on the 30th floor, and then someone cut the cables, and its car is free-falling. The plummet. (I'm curious - do you know this feeling?) Here's what happens I watch through these little personal memory films: I see the people in that moment. I feel the joy. I remember that game of spoons. I remember holding that hand. I see how happy and smug I am in the photos taken of me. I remember hearing those sweet feminine giggles I was falling in love with. And it freaking crushes me.

The biggest heartbreaks are at the intersection of hearts desires and organic events occurring.

"I always wanted ___________."

Like a tender place in my heart desires personally? I've always wanted daughters. I've always wanted a family. Especially the pre-teen, teenage years. I think that is such a special, beautiful time in life, seeing femininity surface and begin to blossom into each individual's expression.

I have a condition that put my body into a menopausal state since my early pre-teen years, and I don’t have any eggs genetically to work with, so my path to having a family is a unique one.

So talk about attaching hope and heart desires to organic events coming into play. And when it doesn't work out? It feels like doubles that free-fall distance in the experience of that heart-elevator plummet.

It's those kind little moments that wreck me.

The little details like, "oh, I loved my nails in that shot. Gosh, I loved my outfits. I loved how much intention I put into myself in that time. Look how beautiful and happy I was there. Gosh, I thought I had found my person there. I loved who I was showing up as in those moments. Man, I was proud of myself for who I was being then, and I'm still proud of that woman. I thought I had arrived, and all of my dreams came true. I was glowing." I remember all the hope I had, the high. Moments of firsts. First time I saw that stadium, the first time I was in a new city. It's the little moments of generosity and kindness. "Remember that donut shop with tequila jelly-filled donuts?" It's the little details that wreck me.

It doesn't matter how shitty or bad a relationship was; we intrinsically don't like to lose things as humans.

Yes, I snatched this statement from the TED Talk featured in the Dennis Lloyd song GFY, Dr. Gary Lewandowski's TED Talk, "Break-Ups Don't Have to Leave You Broken" (shown below) — and it’s true. It's not the hard moments that get me, it's the good moments that get me. Still hurt my heart. It's love lost. And it doesn't matter how shitty or bad a relationship was; we intrinsically don't like to lose things as humans. We don't like loss. And love, broken relationships, connection and familiarity, and closeness you experienced with a person in a certain light at a certain moment- the bad times are separate from the good times.

Everything Seems Better When It’s Paired With A Theme Song

Documenting these high moments (like we're much more inclined to pull our phone out to snap some pics or video during a notably good experience, right?) It casts a relationship or an experience in a certain light. I mean, everything seems better when it's got an awesome theme song paired with it, doesn't it?

The same video I can watch makes my heart plummet because of the love there; I can also recall the massive levels of anxiety I felt on that same trip. The ambiguity of never knowing where I stood in that relationship. This ongoing feeling of always being left in the dark. Having a partner's behavior demonstrate to me, "My time and my world are more important than yours." Yet, I can still clearly see so many beautiful moments in the midst of so many laced with massive anxiety.

Our Former Flames + Love Lost = Our Greatest Teachers

So, where does it leave me? What's my takeaway from feeling this flurry of good, bad, love, happy, heartbreak? Just that. Feel it all. Acknowledge it all. Praise it all. I can look at these bittersweet videos and think, "God, I freaking lived." I lived big and loved big, and I can see I was fully present, going for what felt right and true for me in those moments. I didn't hold back, I had so much love in certain moments, and I did my best. I celebrate those experiences of love. Whether they were fabricated in my own mind more than the actual reality -- I still gave myself some beautiful experiences. And when I had data present itself that showed me that dynamic or that relationship or how I was being treated no longer served me or was no longer true for me, I adjusted my course. I continued on my path as a great person committed to my biggest, brightest self. So the growing never stops. The loving never stops. And those previous relationships, memories, moments we carry in our hearts -- we have to always remember that they are our greatest teachers.

These former relationships and experiences teach us what our biggest values are, our true beliefs about love, life, and what we're worthy of.

(Don't believe me? Think about every time you walked away from a relationship or it came to a close - what were the things you didn't align on, and you simply were unable to accept or settle certain behaviors or dynamics? Those will all point you to real things you cared enough to fight for and not settle in. VALUES.)

If you're in a new relationship or a new dynamic now - maybe you can see the way you're a better lover, a better listener-- to your lover, yes but also for YOURSELF, because of love you've lost, or more accurately, have grown beyond.

So Feel It All.

So feel it all, love. Celebrate it all. I try to remind myself that when I feel my heart gets on that freshly-cut cable car-- that I am alive. Heartbreak means I chose love. I chose to live! I chose LIFE. I was present for it like I'm present for that pain now. I chose to be brave, and I lived boldly, heart wide open.

So feel it all, and remember every relationship- whether it was two weeks or two decades is there to support you in this moment, being your truest, biggest, brightest self. Everything that happens to you is FOR you, always.